I wonder...

Most of my friends and as Amy S would say "cronies" are aware that I am afraid of birds.

top three reasons:

-birds have beaks with which to peck your eyes out

-birds can fly, which is obviously a little creepy

-birds move their little heads rapidly from right to left, which, picture a person doing that...you would be scared if it was a person...why not if it's a beak bearing creature that can at any moment fly directly at your face.

okay okay.

so, I wonder if I were a bird would I still be afraid?

most likely.

Edge

I have a wrinkled shirt on, but my office sure did get their donuts.

I also make more money now, and have the same amount of nothing to do.

good news: mother's day blanket is complete, and freaking cute.

bad news: mother's day blanket is complete and I have 6 more hours left at work....crap.

stump

I am the giving tree.

I am trying not to be the giving tree, because as it turns out, not really that great.

pink and green

this weekend I learned some things, here is the short version:

people who need attention make bad choices

freaking everyone judges cocoas, it's good! jeez!

wine used to make me cry, now it makes me very happy

I'm cuter than I originally thought

I originally thought I was pretty cute

I'm not really that lame, I'm trying to be funny. (or cute, as it turns out)

wonder bread

not sure why, but someone decided to call my work and tell me he was jusssst about to make "the magic happen". oh, that's true people.

someone get over here and surgically remove the psycho magnet that is obviously lodged somewhere in my body.

someone's scarecrow

oh jesse

we are, in every way, true kindred spirits.

without the prescribed journey of friendship, without obligation or guilt, we share each other.

you've been my single source of confidence in moments where the lights seemed to disappear around me, and you've been my fondest memory of a time when I lifted my head from sorrow to face the coming storm.

without the admittance of reincarnation, I honestly can't say what it is that makes us so close. If anything  was going to convince me of the concept, it's how very much I felt like your sister within moments of having met you. The immediate loyalty, protection, love, honesty, and hope I felt  that day convinced me of our eternal friendship, and how very powerful it was. 

so, all of that said, oh how I miss you....most of all.

someone please save me from myself, oh wait, thanks sister.

alright, it's time for everyone to learn their daily lesson on how to annoy people less. 

when you call a business, and you are hoping to speak to someone (either by name, or in a particular department), here are your instructions:

DO immediately tell the receptionist the person you are calling to speak with

DO speak quickly as to be efficient, but not so quickly that you cannot be understood

DO NOT tell the receptionist she has a pretty name

DO NOT ask the receptionist how her day is going

DO NOT tell the receptionist who you are, why you're calling, what you need, where you're from, how well you can play the piano, what you had for breakfast....etc.

Let me explain,he/she (the receptionist) does not care about you, or your day. [I think that he/she will get annoying so I'm just going to say she from now on, because everyone knows it's me]

she does not want you to care about her day.she wants to transfer your phone call as quickly as possible so she can hang up the phone and go back to the internet.

she, in fact, hates you more and more with every single additional word you include in your phone conversation.

sooo... 

"this is michaella"

"cary westmark, please" 

perfect.

thank you.

oh, FYI

Here’s one thing I figured out, might be useful: 

If, by chance, you go on a “no-carb” diet, and stay on it for…let’s say….2 weeks… 

AND Your sister has a poker party….  

AND A boy you think is cute shows up…..  

DO NOT 

(by any means) 

Drink red wine.  

Here’s why: Your carb free system will soak up that wine faster than you ever thought possible, and you will flirt with three boys at the same time, teach one person to crochet, lose the poker tournament, all while continuously making the arrogant fool from Chicago feel like the idiot he actually is. You will then wake up 30 minutes late for work at your sisters house in the same clothes you went to the party in (which I am now currently wearing at my desk) and ask jesus why he’s making your head hurt so bad. Oh, and you’ll throw up, a lot.

 I realize that several of these hypotheticals aren’t within the realm of your possibility. BUT, I just wanted to make sure it never happens to anyone, ever again.

seriously

you smell like paperclips

you're just going to have to come to terms with that.

are you a robot woman?

I wish I wasn't afraid of birds. I would get one as a pet. I have no pets and I think I probably should.

the evil landlord wont let me have a dog, and I am allergic to cats.

I thought about getting a frog, but they never have cute ones at the pet store.

Goldfish die, and other fish kinda freak me out.

I have never had a rodent type pet, but, I think it's creepy to walk into someone's home and see a hamster running around on a wheel...it's a weird god/creature relationship that I don't wish to pursue (also, the whole gerbil thing is pretty obviously inappropriate)

snakes and lizards are clearly not on my list of desirable residents in my home.

so, a bird would be nice...

but, I'm afraid of them.

Reindeer

does anyone else have grandma's that really don't like them? well, I do. I have 2 grandmas and 1 step-grandma. (technically 2 step grandma's, but the other side wouldn't recognize me if I was wearing a name tag)

number one, dad's side: still mad at me about switching from the church of christ....mind you, my brother, who is an athiest, is still her favorite.

number two, moms side: actually hates me, tells me out loud that I'm not her favorite, and that I should seriously consider doing something with my hair.

number three, step-dads side: here's a quick example from yesterday..."hey grandma!" "Hi honey, now, are you on a diet, because you used to be so slender"

so, my grandma's don't like me.

emotionally unstable

I just cried watching Urban Cowboy with John Travolta.

there is really nothing else to say.

Privacy

ok, before you mention to strangers on airplanes the very individual and unforgettable name of the place you work....go ahead and ask them if they have been in prison.

that's one of those life lessons we all have to learn I guess...don't tell convicts where you work in airplane conversations...they will remember.

hope I see you all later, there is a serious possibility I won't :)

SUV Nation

while I was driving to breakfast with my sister today, I made a decision. I will spray fabreze on each and every SUV I see driving down the street.

what happens is really that I spray a lot of fabreze on myself and the SUV drivers give me very weird looks as I am pointing a large spray bottle out my window at them.

but, SUV's make my world stink, so I am spraying them with fabreze...even if it never really hits them.

join me in the fight.

use



on

freaking

I hate....

commercials that I know by heart

cramps

when I am out of diet coke

overpriced toilet paper

the religious right

the smelly house on 7th street

when my friends are too far away

freaking phoenix in the freaking summer.

time

make time

so

if someone asks you out, every day for about a year, with the question "will you make time for me?"

say yes, and make time.

because, if you say no...and you never make time...they could die and then you have to live the rest of your life knowing that you never made time for them.

keep it in mind. (also keep in mind that micki is a bad person who doesnt make time for people, then those people are murdered, and micki adds a signifigant amount of guilt to her already ridiculous existence)

a warning

Dear Sister,

I know that you are tired when you come home, especially now that you are dating a boy who doesnt speak. It must be a LOT of effort to carry the conversation all night, making up resonses for him, watching him act out stories and trying to figure out what his motions mean....I am completely sympathetic to your situation. However, last night I cleaned up your damn dishes for the last time. If I EVER smell the smell of chianne nicole's dishes left undone for weeks on end I will take them, gather them up, put them in a cloth bag of some sort, and beat you with them in your sleep. I know you think that sounds harsh, but, we both know I will do it.

Why am I writing you this letter via blog? Because when I am on trial for assult with a bag full of dirty dishes, I want to have a dated piece of evidence that shows my warning to you. By the way, when I am on trial, I'll bring in the dishes...and if the jury can sit through the whole court case without leaving (or vomiting) because of  the vile odor then you'll most likely win, but, I'm betting on a mistrial.

sincerely,

your sister